The Loss of Another
by AnimeDemon1
Summary: When Nagisa's warmth leaves Tomoya's life forever, he is driven to extreme lengths. The sense in his heart lost as he becomes a broken man who feels he can never love again. This story is an alternate ending of Clannad: Afterstory which deals with Tomoya's everyday life after Nagisa dies.
1. Chapter 1 - The Pain Inside

**Disclaimer: I do not own Clannad **

* * *

When that detestable emotion racked my heart, the entire world seemed to go dark. Whispers of demonic temptation coaxing me further into the obscurity of the void befalling my existence. I was neither alive nor dead as eternal agony became my sole essence. My emotions trailed from my tortured heart in the form of tears; tears that never left my eyes. Driven insane by the pain that caged me within my own mind, I sought a light that no longer existed. A light from which my life had been led until that moment. My only memories fading into the distance as if all they had ever amounted to was a mere illusion. Non-existent were the thoughts that churned deep within my consciousness - if you could even call it that anymore. My purpose in life was gone and so was my reality. My eyes devoid of a hope I once held for the future. A hope for me and her...


	2. Day one in the life of Tomoya

"Mr. Okazaki, I would prefer it if you could cooperate with me a little."

I just sat there, feigning ignorance as my counsellor tried to break through the wall I had built up around myself. He sighed and continued with his persistent ramblings but I knew that he could never understand me no matter how hard he tried. That was how it would stay - I didn't want to be saved.

"Are we going to have to go back to square one? You know as well as I do that we aren't getting anywhere in these sessions of ours," Dr. Ueda stated, "if you don't confide in me then I am afraid that I will have to cancel all future appointments with you."

Again, I did not answer him. Even though I heard the pleading tone in his voice, it was useless. I stood up from my seat and pulled my bag over my shoulder.

"Cancel them then." I said bluntly as I turned and left the room, not even bothering to close the door.

* * *

All the sights around me jumbled together and added to mess inside my mind. It was like the entire world had lost its colour and transformed into a depressing monochrome. Even the cherry blossom trees she had loved so much had lost their warmth. As I traipsed down the street, the cold wind pelted me mercilessly. I hated it. I hated how alive it made me feel, when the only one I ever loved could never feel this again.

Silent tears escaped my eyes and fell to the floor. Nobody around me seemed to notice my pain as I hid my face with my wild blue hair. She had always complimented my hairstyle and yet now it lay unruly upon my head.

_What am I doing? There is nothing here for me anymore. Everyone went their separate ways after graduating and now I'm all alone..._

* * *

Upon arriving home, I was greeted by the same silence that had welcomed me home since that day. Dropping my bag beside the door, I threw myself onto the sofa and lay there motionless. I guess some part of me wished that I would be suffocated as I lay with my face in a pillow. Maybe then I could see her again. As I turned my head I was greeted by her smiling face: but it was only a photograph.

"If it was me who had died, I wonder what you would have done. You were always so much stronger than me, Nagisa."

I pulled her into my arms and embraced her tightly against my chest. Breathing in deeply, there was no trace of her familiar scent; one of sweet honey shampoo that she used to use. There was no warmth pressed against my chest as there should have been but it was enough to just allow me to have that moment, even if it was all just a fantasy.

Sleep was my only salvation and even that had left me days ago. However, trapped in that blissful brief period in time, a familiar haze of weariness washed over me. It made it seem possible for all of my worries to melt away and lulled me into a welcoming rest.

"Nagisa..."

* * *

"Nagisa? What's happening?" Confusion overcame me as the cause of my neverending pain stood before me.

Her chocolate brown hair swayed in the light breeze as she stood, barefoot, upon the grass. A silk night gown of pure white hung upon her beautiful figure, draping down just past her thigh. It seemed to suit her complexion perfectly. She looked strange, otherworldly and fragile as if the wind would blow her over if she stayed there.

Facing me, she held out her arms invitingly. She needn't have bothered as I ran straight to her, but then the moment ended. As my hand made contact with her skin she faded into nothing. The only trace left of her was a single cherry blossom where her feet had been. And then, I was all alone.

The field around me blackened until all that was left was myself and the flower. I cradled it lightly in my palms as fierce emotions overwhelmed my mind. In the end, I couldn't stop the tears that flowed freely from my eyes. Once again, she had slipped through my fingers like mist. The more I struggled to catch her, the further away she became. As the tear-induced blur in my vision cleared, I saw a brown, dead flower. It had withered along with any hope I had of life getting better.

* * *

I awoke sweating from the frightening remnants of the previous night's dream. I half expected Nagisa to be laid smiling next to me, assuring me that everything would be ok. How could I have been so stupid? I thought I had gotten used to it by now; waking up alone. There was nobody to reassure me now. After all, there was nothing to reassure me about. No longer was there any positive aspect in continuing living.

_That's it... I've had enough..._


End file.
